Holy Deuce.

I don't understand.

Why can't I buy this yet??

Don't they understand that I could potentially be their single largest buyer?!

Dave Hakkens, you need to get on that ASAP. Because I am all over that like white on rice, my friend. White. On. Rice.

http://www.davehakkens.nl/portfolio/favorites_ediblepen.html

Philosophy.

I don't know a lot of things.

But, I do have some fundamental philosophies on life that I would like to take this moment to share with you.

I believe that no one should be required to make conversation before 10am.

I think that mullets are gone... And they are. NEVER. coming back.

I believe that the world is a cold, cruel place... A cold, cruel, place that has created some really excellent chicken wings.

I think that it should be socially acceptable for men to wear high heels.

In my fantasy world, string cheese grows out of the ground like grass and it rains Diet Coke.

And on overcast days, everyone goes outside to watch the Krispy Kreme Donut sun peek out from behind the Boston Cream filled clouds.

I have found that I am able to function perfectly well on 3 hours of sleep a night, if everyone around me is okay with putting up with my deliriousness and lack of lucidity the following day.

I always find it completely appropriate to walk into my apartment after school and greet my roommate by booty dancing up to her while singing along to "Work it out" by Beyonce.

Fruit Snacks= Joy.

I think that everyone should have to take 5 minutes out of their day to eat a cookie.

I think that I think about food too much.

I believe that genealogy is awesome.

Why?

Well, in part because Barack Obama and I are eighth cousins.

Yeah. Suck it.

I say, that if you screw with my friends, I will not let you get away with it. I am extraordinarily and unapologetically defensive of people I love, and I will cut a fool if you try to go there. Just ask anyone.

Momma Grizzly Bear gonna get you. Just sayin.

I stand by the fact that "cauliflower" is just too difficult a word to say.

[I have also been told that I say 'flower, oil, owl, and scientist' weird. Due to my supposed "southern accent."]

I have found that the song "Suga Suga" by Baby Bash is highly addictive and has a tendency to get stuck in my head literally at least once an hour.

And on a final note,

I believe that sometimes Boys are stupid, and then occasionally Boys are great-- but mostly Girls are stupid all the time.

Nekkid means you're not wearing clothes. Naked means you're doing something naughty.

Thats just a charming opinion and philosophy from a friend from home.

But seriously, folks.

Have you ever gotten a massage?

Like, a professional one?

Because I have.

And it. is. fabulous.

My roommates and I went to a Massage College this weekend, where they are having a limited time 2-for1 deal on full body massages. There was a 2 hour wait, but we just went out to breakfast and to the store while we waited, and got back right as it was our turn.

It was mine and Amy's first time ever having gotten a massage, and we thoroughly loved it. Really a fantastic experience.

But if you think about the concept of a massage out of context, it is quite a questionable deed.

I mean, really.

Someone you don't know tells you to take your clothes off.

You lie nekkid on a table with only a sheet over you as a stranger feels you up.

Sometimes the stranger even.... beats you.

And you PAY for this?!

It all sounds rather sketchy, if you know what I mean.

That is, unless you have experienced it personally.

And let me tell you--

I can think of no better weekend leisurely activity than stripping down for that strange lady to grease me up and rub me down.

Purely therapeutically speaking, that is.

... I recommend the massage.

My Roommate is Hilarious.

The following text message exchange occurred with my dear, dear roommate, Maren, whom I affectionately deemed MareBear.

MareBear: I'm pretty sure you're my second favorite person ever.

Erin: Only second? Bummer.

MareBear: Well, its hard to beat Hugh Jackman and his chest hair.

Ode to the Most Important Male Creature in my Life.

Attention:
Captain Phil has, unfortunately, passed away.
To learn more about the nest generation of crabbies, please see HERE.

Its that time of year when we all start thinking about that special someone who just gets you to smile when no one else can. That one guy or girl that keeps you on your toes, that you care for so gosh darn much.

I would like to dedicate this post to the newest and greatest man (well, sort of) in my life:

My Hermit Crab: Captain Phil.

This is my hermit crab Captain Phil.

Just look at him. He really is a little stud, right??!

Action shot. IN MOTION!

Captain Phil is my little hermit crab child thing.

He has been an important part of my life for, oh, about 5 weeks now.

He was adopted from a large tank of other hermit crab children, but specially chosen for his activeness and personality after staring and poking at the tank for well over an hour... True Story.

Captain Phil is named for THIS Captain Phil, of the TV show "The Deadliest Catch." Captain Phil is one of the ship captains of the main boat of the show, who sadly died last year whilst on the job. Thus the name, The Deadliest Catch.

Phil's namesake.

See the similarities?

His name was my father's idea. A few popular backup names that were being seriously considered include:

Pedro Octavius Orson Paulukaitis, or POOP for short
Pooter
Big Fat Guy
and
Little Old Fart.

Obviously, Captain Phil won out.
Thanks, Dad.

Some of Captain Phil's hobbies incluse digging holes in the sand of his cage, pulling his water dish on top of himself and ten falling asleep, climing on top of his water dish and sitting on his sponge for an hour at a time, sitting in people's pockets, trying to walk off the edge of my bed, and attempting to burrow down in between the souch cushions. And, of course, falling asleep on his momma. AKA meeeeeeeee. :)


I am a great hermit crab momma. Even his 'grandparents' know so. A few days after I got him, I was skyping with my mom, showing off her 'grandcrab.' as she likes to call him. She informed me that she would read him a story. She then proceeded to read aloud, showing the pictures and everything, "All my Friends are Dead," by Avery Monsen and Jory John.
Endearing.
The best part of the scenario? As she was reading to him, He crawled up on my shirt and fell asleep all shnuggled up on me.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

It was all too precious.

My father is coming to Mormontown to visit soon, since he has to be in Salt Lake for training for some something something something calling blah blah. So, he too will soon be able to visit his GrandCrab and bond with Phil. Perhaps I will take a family photo.

Phil atop Clark the bicycle enjoying a leisurely ride.

Phil has several other adopted human family members as well. Such as a baby daddy, godfather, a few weird uncles, and some lovely aunts/roommates of mine.

Basically, everyone loves Captain Phil. And you should too. And if you don't, just come to Glenhood someday soon to visit, and I will be happy to introduce you.

And then... you too will fall in love. LOVE. ..........love.

:)

Phil aspires to one day be able to type 92 wpm, just like his momma.

Thats mah boy.

I'm sorry, did I stumble into a Lifetime Movie by mistake?

<-- This is what I imagined she looked like.

You guys.

This is a totally and completely true story. It legitimately happened, like, fifteen minutes ago.

I was taking a delightful nap, when all of a sudden my cell phone rang, awaking me from my peaceful slumber. Somewhat peeved, I turned over and answered it sleepily. A mysterious southern lady's voice reached my ears as I did so. The following conversation ensued.

Erin: Hello?

Stranger: Yes, um, hello, Uh, I just want to know, how do you know James Earl Jr.?

Erin: Uhh, I don't. I have no idea who that is.

Stranger: Okay, well, buh-bye then.

Erin: Right. Bye.

About two minutes later, as I was falling asleep once more, the phone rang again. I yelled at it when I saw the same number, but answered anyways.

Stranger: Hello, yes, Well, I was just wanted to know, are you in Construction? James Earl Jr. works in construction.

Erin: Uh, no, I'm not.

Stranger: Okay, well, may I ask, where are you located?

Erin: Uhh, I live in Utah, lady.

Stranger: Oh. Well, we are located in [blah blah blah some town name] South Carolina, and I found your number in my son-in-law's phone, and I just wasn't sure.

Erin: Right. Well, I still have no idea who he is, so, sorry.

And we hung up again. Not more than 5 minutes later, the phone rang once more. Now thoroughly peeved, I answered very gruffly.

Erin: Yesssss?

Stranger: Listen, sweety, I don't mean to keep bothering you, but I would just appreciate you being completely honest with me.

Erin: Um, I am.

Stranger: Ok, well, here's whats going on. My daughter found your phone number on my son-in-law's phone, and he's out of town right now, you see he works in construction. Well, and we've found some things around his trailer that suggest that something unsavory is going on.

Erin: Unsavory? .....Uh, yikes?

Stranger: So I really would just like you to be totally honest with me.

Erin: Right. Well, listen, I AM being totally honest with you. I really don't know who the heck this guy is.

Stranger: Right... Uh, Are you a student?

Erin: Yeah, I am...

Stranger: And where do you go to school?

Erin: Lady, I told you, I live in Utah.

Stranger: Alright. And you said you don't know how your number got into his phone?

Erin: I seriously haven't the slightest idea. All I can think of is that maybe he put in someone else's number, but got a number wrong or something, and ended up with my number instead. That is the only solution I can offer you.

Stranger: Okay, okay, and you don't know James Earl Jr.?

Erin: *sigh* No. No I do not. I swear to you, I have absolutely nothing to do with whatever is going on.

Stranger: Well, you do sound very young.

Erin: Yeah, well, I'm in my twenties.

Stranger: Yes, well, I am nearly fifty years old myself. He's married to my daughter Dana, and they have three lovely children together. I'm just trying to get all the facts straight. But I need you to be totally honest with me.

Erin: LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I am being TOTALLY honest. I don't know who he is, or how he got my number, and I'm sorry this..... thing is going on in your family. But I can't really help you.

Stranger: Okay, okay. Yeah.

Erin: I do hope you get it figured out though.... so, uh, good luck with that!

Stranger: Mmhmm, thank you.

So, I more or less got accused of having an affair with this lady's son-in-law.

Wow... my first accusal of being the "other woman" in an infidelity situation.

.....I really am growing up.

PS: TO whoever you were, angry southern lady, I do sincerely hope you figure out what your D-Bag son in law has been up to. Best of luck. I mean that.

Wise Words on Love: from Steve Martin

Steve Martin did an SNL skit years ago, declaring a poetic-ish ode to the woman in his life.

Oh what a wise man indeed. He interprets what love is about in such an eloquent way, I couldn't help but share it. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin.

"Ode to My Woman

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].

Goodnight, my love."