11 Easily Attainable Resolutions for 2011

Blah dee blah blah blah, Auuuuld Laaaang Syne... Or something like that.

Well, its another new year.

Or really, 5 days into a new year.

Anyways, Its that charming time of year again where everyone is resolving to do such and such, and not do such and such throughout the new year.

Some of these resolutions I've heard thus far are the typical resolutions, such as

'I will become a vegetarian this year.'

'I will not be so boy-crazy this year.'

'I will go to the gym all year!'

'I will not eat fast food/sugar/meat/chocolate this year.'

'I will be a happier and better person in general this year.'

'I will be more kind and patient to those around me.'

You know what I have to say to these so-called "resolutions?"

Womp. Womp.

Way to be stinking boring, kids.

Let's be honest. Its not like you're going to actually keep any of these throughout all of 2011. Now now, don't get on my case, You little farts know its true.

(And believe me, I use the term 'little farts' in the most affectionate way possible. Truly. :))

Therefore, without further ado, I would like to present you with my own New Years Resolutions of 2011.

This Year on As Happy as a Turtle on a Conveyor Belt:

1. I resolve to practice the same amount of road rage that I did last year.

2. I resolve to make the couples that make out in my living room as uncomfortable and awkward as possible.

3. I resolve to never wear one of those headbands with the massive poofy flowers or bows on them.

4. I resolve to answer the door in my snuggie and/or footie pajamas as often as possible.

5. I resolve to continue judging people that say stupid things in my presence.

6. I resolve to play more tetris.

7. I resolve to dance around in my underpants more often. Regardless of the fact that my roommates are home.

8. I resolve to roll my eyes at each and every given appropriate opportunity.

9. I resolve to continue pulling the little pieces of hair off of the people who sit in front of me in church/class.

10. I resolve to eat a lot of dry cereal straight from the box with my hands.

And finally, in honor of 2011: my eleventh and final resolution of this year,

11. I resolve to always throw my trash into a Trash Receptacle. That is, unless there is a person conveniently located who can be qualified as no better than a Trash Receptacle, in which case the trash will, naturally, be thrown at that person.

So, dear people of the internet, I encourage you to join me in these easily obtainable New Years Resolutions.

And let me just say, that I can,

without a doubt in my mind,

assure you that I am 100% committed to these resolutions, and do indeed intend to keep each and every one of them.

For some reason, I don't think it will be too difficult.