Double Decades.

Wow.

You guys,

I am getting old.

As of now, I am officially two decades old. That is getting up there. I'm out of teenagerdom, and into the realm of twenty somethings.

Sing it with me now:

Happy Birthday to Mee,

Happy Birthday to Me,

Happy Birthday to Meeeee,

Now... gooo to class.

That's right, the first day of fall semester classes is on my birthday.

Yippy Skippy Doo Dah.

A Romantic Evening with Dog and Criss

Tonight, after dealing with some pent up frustration and venting, I did the following:

Ate a piece of cake

Took a bubble bath

Helped the Father sand down our newly repaired front door

And settled down for a night of television viewing.

The viewing on the television was selected by the Father, who turned on A&E. To our good fortune, Dog the Bounty Hunter was on.

Now, Dog the Bounty Hunter is a family favorite around my house. And when I say around the house, I mean mostly between the Father and I, who enjoy it immensely, sometimes accompanied by the 13 year old brother.

To our even better fortune, After an hour and a half of Dog viewing and enjoyment, a new episode of Criss Angel: Mindfreak was due to premiere. What luck!

It sounds romantic, doesn't it? A chocolately desert followed closely with an evening spent in the company of two rather manly men. Right?

So here I am, on my couch in my house in Georgia, yelling at my television in frustration.

I love watching Criss Angel. Love love love love LOVE it.

But it makes me SOO ANGRY.

I don't like not knowing things. Now, I acknowledge that there are a lot of things I don't know, but when people flaunt what they know/can do without

PAUSE.

Criss just started giving a little ditty on the most famous magic trick: sawing a woman in half.

He's sitting there staring at the camera, and he's explaining that this is one of the most difficult and well known tricks out there. Only when he does it, he doesn't use boxes curtains, covers, etc. And I quote:

"I go through a lot of women. ....Any volunteers?"

followed by a coy little smile and a wink.

I literally just raised my hand in my empty living room. I would soooooooo do that.

SWOON.

ANYWAYS.

So. When people flaunt what they know/can do without my knowing or understanding it, it drives me UP THE FREAKING WALL.

I find it INCREDIBLY frustrating, not knowing the secrets to their little magic tricks and slight of hand thingies, let alone the big things like making people disappear cutting girls in half, and all that jazz. I just don't get it, and I want to. I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really reallyreally reallyreally reallyreallyreallyreallyreally really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really

well, you get the picture. I really want to know how they do it.

I remember back when I was a lot younger, probably around ten years old, that there was a masked magician guy on television who would do magic tricks and stunts, then stop, re-do them and explain as he goes through how exactly he did it, how the trick was done.

Why doesn't anyone do that anymore??

Dear Criss Angel:

I love you. I have a big fatty fat crush on you, regardless of my mother's disapproval.

But you drive me insane.

Oh well. What is love without a little insanity?

Affectionately,

Erin.

The Great American Novel

The other day, I put up my facebook status as the following:

"I'm going to write the Great American Novel. Ready... Go."

Now this was just musing on my part. Someone had just told me that I ought to write a book, so I was just fooling around on facebook, so I decided to share my newfound goal on the internets.

This is what occurred in the form of comments below my status within the next few days:

Deborah ‎'It was a dark and stormy night....'

August 18 at 11:27pm · ·

Carole The gleaming moonlight and the peaceful feeling that surrounded Erin in no way prepared her for the shocking events that were going to slam into her once she turned the corner......

August 19 at 8:41am · ·

Wendy only to find the man with the stinky socks. Some how he had followed her from Singapore. The only thing should could do next......

August 19 at 9:17am · ·

Bonnie was to pull her hat down over her eyes and hope he didn't see through her disguise ....

August 19 at 9:31am · ·

Krista s.

August 19 at 9:45am · ·

Wendy ‎(new paragraph) She had to, but she knew she shouldn't, have just one look. He was beautiful though unbearable to be by. His order could make a grown man...

August 19 at 11:56am · ·

Brynna rejoice! in the smelliness that all men seem to covet. but erin took a deep breath in through her mouth and glanced at the stinky-sock man ever so quickly. but before she could re-hide her face...

August 19 at 5:53pm · ·

Katie he recognized her! "Stop right there!" he ordered, and she realized that his breath was even worse than his socks. "Foolish girl, you thought you could hide from me forever..." She turned to run, but as she spun...

August 19 at 6:30pm · ·

Wendy and her sneaker got caught on the cobble stone road. "Stupid Foreigners and their bright ideas for pretty useless roads!," she yelled while struggling with her brand new hot pink, zebra patterned, high tops. She had to get lose, she just had to. How could this be happening, she thought. Erin needed a.....

August 19 at 6:35pm · ·

Katie snorkel! With such an instrument, she could at least breathe from a different direction, and perhaps the extra distance would be just far enough away that the air would be a tad clearer of the awful stench that was sneaker man. She couldn't think! Where was she, and what was she doing there? Her senses were filled with the putrid smell, and the sense of the dark figure coming ever closer.

August 19 at 6:41pm · ·

Katie ‎*stinky sock man

August 19 at 6:41pm · ·

Brynna

alas, she could not make the man turn away from her!! he was fast approaching. erin needed another tool! a stethescope! only a stethescope could save her now. she reached into her pocket and pulled out the stethescope her brilliant sister b...See More

August 19 at 6:44pm · ·

Katie He recovered quickly and fixed her with his evil eyes. All of her resources were exhausted, but right at the last moment, when all hope seemed lost, her cousin Katie leaped out of a dark alley where she had been doing her geography homework and tased him!! "Don't tase me, bro!" were the last words anyone heard out of him for a while...

August 19 at 6:55pm · ·

Wendy

because the sting of the taser caused him to fall on two bakers. These were not any bakers, they were the infamous Clark Q. Gable and Rod Iron from Bee Gees. They had been carrying the Queen's (yes, that Queen) double chocolate, triple ra...See More

August 19 at 10:23pm · ·

Terry ‎... whose face was covered in cream cheese frosting such that only his evil eyes shone through, looking somewhat silly yet threatening, fixed his sweet evil gaze on Erin and Katie and said ....

August 19 at 10:47pm · ·

Bonnie Arent you girls a long way from home. Then he reached into his pocket and ....

August 19 at 10:50pm · ·

Terry Pulled out an antimatter device which released it's particles, clashing with matter.... And thus the world and this story ended. --the end--

Saturday at 10:25pm · ·

So. That is what happened.

The Great American Novel? I think not.

Potentially the Great Singaporean Novel?

Mayhaps.

Is that the end?

....It could be. It could also not be. HmmmmmmMMMmmMMMmmm!

Proof that my Father and I have a Good Relationship

Please refer to the following emails/conversations:

JULY 13

Erin:

i feel like you would appreciate my latest blog post.

Here ye gooo.

http://turtlebelt.blogspot.com/

Father:

Touching. Intuitive. Educational. Thought-provoking. Indeed, inspiring. Yes, and despite the obvious risk of losing one’s hair or turning into a cigarette-smoking trailer hussy, I too must get the Magic Bullet.

Oh, and your pictures were interesting, too. I particularly enjoyed the chocolate one. I believe I too will take a hit from the Hershey’s bottle when I get home tonight.

Erin:

stop judging me for the chocolate. it was the last of the bottle so i put milk in it and shook it up and drank it straight from the bottle. my roommates last year thought i was a crazy person. haha... yeah.

Father:

I’m not judging. I’m complimenting. TRUE CONFESSION--It’s actually something I would probably do (sans the milk) if no one was watching. Hey, I’d wipe the bottle off afterwards…

Sometimes, I get friendly, helpful emails from my Padre entitled "Useful Facts," and open them to find the following:

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry

Its True.

The other day, I called my dad to thank him for sending me another power cord for my computer when mine broke unexpectedly. As I was about to hang up, we have the following exchange:

Dad: Wait, I have something to tell you.

Erin: Whats that?

Dad:..... I don't remember.

Erin: [Long Pause]... do you remember what its about?

Dad:...No. No I don't.

Erin: Is it about school?

Dad: No.

Erin: Is it about flying home?

Dad: No.

Erin: Is it about the rest of the family?

Dad: No.

[Long Pause Again]

Erin: Was it important?

Dad: I don't think so. I don't know.

Erin: Umm, well you can call me or text me when you remember I guess... yeah.

Dad: Okay. Yeah. See you later, honey.

Erin: Bye Dad.

The next day, I got an email that read the following:

I remember what I wanted to say to you yesterday.

Have you read about the JetBlue flight attendant who had enough after getting into an argument with an obnoxious passenger so he cursed the passenger out on the plane’s PA, deployed the emergency slide, grabbed two beers, and jumped out if the plane and went home?

My Aunt sent out an email showing us a photo of a copperhead snake that she and her coworkers found outside their office one day. My dear old dad responded with his own helpful advice:

You guys should all go outside as a group and sing over and over again at the top of your lungs "Snake, snake, go away. Come again some other day." That should be effective (in my professional opinion). No charge.

What a wise, thoughtful, pensive, Chuck Norris-Fearing man. How fortunate am I indeed.

Quotes of the recent times.

"Girl, you got swagger!! I like it. Its sexy."

"You're like our pet. We just tell people how adorable you are, like a puppy!"

"You won't have an ounce of trouble. You'll be married within the next year for sure, no doubt in my mind."

"MARRY ME NOW. Just marry me now please."

"Whatchoo waitin' for?" [accompanied by a wink and head nod]

"Remember that time you did the dishes? That was awesome."

"I like this ensemble you've got goin on. The whole, cat-in-the-hat plus birds in cages thing works for you."

"Oh, we were just chattin about fornication."

"Do they have chickens or is that where they take people to get raped??"

"Why can people be rats but rats can't be people? Its not fair!"

"Did you say something about naked? Yeah, thats what I thought."

"Its like the Biggest Loser: Reunion in the hot tub."

"I'M TRYING TO BE WHOLESOME, DAGNABBIT."

"Let me see your feet. No, now. RIGHT NOW, DANGIT."

Obviously, my life and my friends are extraordinarily exciting, and therefore better than yours and your friends. No offense meant. Okay, well, maybe a little bit of offense meant.

Oh, the things we do whilst in the Bathtub.

Lets talk about something I dont understand.

The Toaster in the bathtub Suicide Act.

I simply don't get it. Of all the ways to die, why would you decide to do it with a toaster? In a bathtub? Come on.

I would like to speak to the first person who came up with that bright idea.

"Hello, my good sir. I wonder what it is you are doing there?"

"Oh, I am slightly hungered. I thought I just might make myself some delightful toast whilst in the bath. You know, killing two birds with one stone and whatnot."

"Ah, I understand your dilemma. Did it ever occur to you that the electricity might cause you harm as you attempt to cook said bread in yonder toaster, because of the imminent water lying beneath you?"

"No no, my good man, I am not worried at all."

"Alrighty then, pip pip and cheerio to you."

If you were wondering, yes, yes I did imagine that entire conversation to be had in British accents.

You know how they put warning labels on everything? You know, they only put warning labels on them because someone has done the stupid thing they are warning against before hand. There has always been that pregnant lady on the intense roller coaster whose baby popped out mid loop. Thats why they warn against it. Not to protect us, the people of slightly over average intelligence, but to protect the fate of those who are so dumb as to, I don't know, attempt to dry their hair in the shower.

Can we dwell on that for a moment?

This is the one that makes me saddest, that makes me lose a little bit of my faith in humanity every time I see that label. You know the one.

The thing about this particular label is that they actually illustrated the water underneath the hair dryer.

No, the saddest thing is that someone, at some time, has actually died with this as the cause. Someone... upsettedly enough... tried to dry their hair. While in the bathtub. Someone just got a little ahead of themselves and decided to try for the gold medal in hair styling speed and efficiency, regardless of the consequences. And they paid for it dearly.

But lets explore other scenarios here for a moment. Maybe the poor soul was just trying to turn their tub into a premium jacuzzi, by using the dryer to blow bubbles into their water. Maybe he got water in his eyes, and the dryer was closer than the towel, so he attempted to blow it out. Maybe he had a hot date and was just trying to cut some corners to get that lovely blown out hair he adores so very much.

Or maybe he was just an idiot.