Saturday, May 30, 2009

Words in the English language that I despise.

I'm planning on making this a weekly sort of post.
I've discovered that there are many, many words and expressions in the English language that I simply can't stand.. they literally make me cringe saying, hearing, or even thinking about them. I will explain the word/words and my reasoning for despising them.

supper-- ugh. something just sounds wrong about this. it evokes.... ugh. just ugh.

belly-- to me this implies fatness or something gros and jiggly.

more to come soon.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hint Hint

Due to an experience I have had the displeasure of having recently, I would just like to give a few tips to guys out there.

Asking a girl if she has a boyfriend when you met her that day, CREEPY.

Talking to a girl everytime you're on facebook, CREEPY.

Following a girl around at a party as she tries to stick to her friends and NOT sit with you and talk to you, CREEPY.

Following a girl outside as she talks on the phone, CREEPY.

Standing there and watching a girl talk on the phone for about 10 minutes, MAJORLY FREAKING CREEPY.

Not realizing when you are being creepy, and instead messaging the girl the next day and telling her about how you would 'love to see her again," once more, MAJORLY FREAKING FREAKING FREAKING CREEPY.

Let the lesson be learned. Ye who are creepy STRESS PEOPLE OUT.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Letter of Interest... hahaha

One of my friends posted this on facecbook. I think I've read it in an email before, but I just re read it and still find it hilariopus. and terribly true. Ha. Take from it what you will.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you freaking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullcrap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Friday, May 1, 2009

AKEBs only the Shadow knows

That's the technical full name of the only dog I ever owned. His name stands for "Adam-Kelly-Erin-Brynna only the shadow knows," given to us when i was little, mabe 5 or something, i'm not sure, by my aunt Karen. He was a hyper little munchkin, and kind of aggressive towards others, besides us, his family, of course. Eventually we gave him back to my aunt so that she could raise him and train him better. He became a really successful agility dog, and went on to win awards and competitions and whatnot. He retired after a while, and lived with my aunt and her other 3 schnauzers. We would go and visit every year at the fourth of July in Huntsville, Alabama where we have a bunch of family, and me and my older sister usually stay with my aunt, and we would all get to see him. He did still recognize us every time, and was always sweet and affectionate towards us. He was getting to be an old fart though, and his kidneys were suffering from old age and other medical issues. The other day, I got an email from my Aunt that told us that he finally passed away. Just thought I would put a shortish post up here to commemorate him. Little Shadow, you were a booger but we loved you! :)