Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Zombies, Dance-offs, Steve Carrell, and... Marijuana?

Wanna hear about my dream last night? Course you do.

It was extraordinarily vivid. It felt like I was watching a movie.

I was in my current apatment, here at the FLSR, and there was news of a worldwide zombie breakout. The government ws releasing information like, "How to tell if your loved ones and friends are zombies" complete with full color posters. Apparently, if you wanted to know, a zombie is distinguished by greenish-tinged skin and reddened irises. Think twilight vampire type eyeballs.

I knew I had to get to the bus stop for some reason, and somehow not be detected by the zombies outside. There were some other people from the complex down in a courtyard area just outside the stairs to my apartment, running around a little haphazardly, freaking out and planning as per the zombie attacks. I somehw knew that any minute, the zombies would show up, and I had to find some way to distract them so that i could get to the bus stop without being zombified. My roommates and companions helped me prepare, by giving me stiff collars and scarves to cover up my neck, which is apparently where the zombies attempt to attack.

I went out the door, hesitating above the stairs, waiting for an opportunity to make a break for it. All of a sudden I heard music, and saw a chubby guy below in the courtyard begin dancing. I knew I had an opportunity here, so I took it. I let out a "Wooo!" and started dancing down the stairs, busting moves and breaking it down. The other dude saw it, and knew a challenge was afoot. We started this intense dance off, which, of course, I ultimately dominated in. As he was jamming out, I took a chance and dashed off to the bus stop.

By the time I got to the bus, I was no longer me, but Tina Fey. Yeah, I dunno. Anyway, I got on the bus when it arrived, and Steve Carrell was sitting in the seat in front of me. I must have just seen a preview for "Date Night" or something. For some reason, I knew I was supposed to be on a date with Steve, and he knew too, yet we were both still avoiding the zombies carefully. We both also started trying to put the moves on each other, but the whole zombies-are-after-you thing is sort a damper on the mood.

When the bus stopped, we got off at some kind of government center/train station thing, where we were given more information about the zombies. Yet it seemed that everyone in the government was unwilling to try and solve the problem, since the zombies were seemingly unkillable. Out of frustration, Steve and I left the center, seeing a bunch of zombies and homeless stoner guys hanging out on a big stairway as we left. Steve pulled out a ciggarette, and started smoking, and for some reason I took a drag too. When I did, everything got really funny all of a sudden, which made everything a whole lot funnier. I started quoting "Matt Foley, motivational speaker" about "Rroollllllin Doobies!" And I realized that it was pot we were smoking. I also noticed that none of the zombies were attacking us, and the zombies and stoners were both smoking it and hanging out passively. We had a revelation that marijuana was the way to keep everyone safe from the zombies! Huzzah! Flash forward in time in the dream, and there was a news broadcast telling about how the government had called upon the world's drug dealers in their time of need, and was distributing pot as needed to everyone. It was also discovered that zombies who smoked pot, and those who inhaled enough secondhand smoke, would eventually be cured of their zmobie-ism, thereby returning everyone's friends and family to a normal state.

So, if you wanted to know, apparently in dreamland, zombie outbreaks are a problem, along with dance offs, and you can be Tina Fey if you want, but in the end pot will solve the problem.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Highlight of my Night

Dear all.

Please watch the following Justin Bieber related youtube videos.

They made me laugh quite uncontrollably, which practically awoke my poor snoozing roommate.


Watch in order!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Wiggidy Whack? No, Just the Regular Kind.

You know whats WHACK?
Nicholas Cage.
Has anyone seen Astro Boy?
Because in that movie, Nicholas Cage's character looks kind of creepily like... well, himself.

Take a look:


Freddie Highmore.
Like I said before, I have recently seen Astro Boy, and that movie prompted me to look him up on IMDB.

Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, little Charlie in the Chocolate Factory is morphing from a cute lil nugget into a weirdly proportioned teenager. WHACK.

Quotes from Parks and Recreation last week. Hilarious, and WHACK.

"I'm a eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off."

"You shouldn't be leading. If you're menstruating, it'll attract bears."

"Get out of your seats, turds."

You know what else is WHACK?

The amount of bodily injury I accidentally cause to myself in a week. For example:

Not to mention I'm building a mean looking scar on the side of my face where I ran into a shelf at work, along with another one on my other knee where I scooched the seat too close on the stationary bike and scraped my leg along the bottom of the control panel, upon when it began to bleed profusely, through three bandaids, and didn't heal over until at least three weeks later.

"Cool people step on feet and run into walls, We're talented."

Another thing that is whack:

Starburst Jelly Bean Filled Easter Eggs with sad furry animals printed on them.
Need I say more?
That is WHACK.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I need an archnemesis.

I need an archnemesis.

You know why?

Because all the cool people have archnemesises.
Is that even the right way to say that? archnemesisesesesiseseisisisisisisisessssss

Think about it for a moment.

Captain America has an archnemesis.
Iron Man has an archnemesis.
Spiderman has an archnemesis.
Mario has an archnemesis.
Optimus Prime has an archnemesis.

Honestly, the only really awesome person that I know of that DOESN'T have some kind of archnemesis is the one, the only, Chuck Norris. And we all know that that is simply because there isn't anyone out there that would be a proper challenge for Chuck Norris.

...I need an archnemesis.

Oh, lookit that. As I updated my facebook status, telling the world that I need an archnemesis, my dear thoughtful cousin Katie volunteered to be my archnemesis.

Sorry, Katie. You are too thoughtful to be my archnemesis. Obviously.


I'm sitting here thinking of all the magnificent things I could do if I had an archnemesis.

I once saw a facebook 'piece of flair' that said simply,

"You've got enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something at least once in your life."

At the time, it sounded thougt provoking and deep, but now, I see it for what it is: An affirmation of the fact that I need an archnemesis. Without one, I have obviously stood up for nothing. Or something like that.

I like to imagine that, if I had an archnemesis, it would give me the opportunity on regular occasions to have a hollywood style martial arts showdown on the roof of a skyscraper, or a rocky style kick butt combat, fist to fist fight sequence every now and then. Or even a "Princess Bride" style battle of wits and mental capacity.

Yet without an archnemesis, I am forced to pick fights with the average, friendly like people I come in contact with day to day. And as fond of them as I may be, I reserve a special place in my heart for a nemesis to fill one day.

Where is the sparring? The trash talking? The regular challenges to my dignity and honor? No one else seems to be jumping at the chance to defend, or insult for that matter, my honor, and where's the fun in that mediocrity?

I also imagine that one day, when I am old and gray, I shall be able to sit down for tea and crumpets with my archnemesis, both of us having retired. We will go to a classy porch-style restaurant, where we will reminisce about the good old times, and flip through old scrapbooks that detail highly our experiences together, and laugh about the day that so-and-so ripped their pants while leaping from one roof to the other, or when one or the other sleep walked to the other's house in their underwear one night looking for a fight. Then, as we shake hands good day, and turn our backs and start to walk away, one will twitch and pull out an old switchblade, and the other will hear the rustling of clothing and pull out a concealed dagger from their sock, and we will revert back to old familiar stances.
Until, that is, our eyes meet, eyebrow raised. One of us will give a half smile, and the other shall return it, before letting out a fierce war-cry.

And there, my friends, it shall begin over again.

May we all find that special someone to be our archnemesis one day. :)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

If you didn't know, I am also really cool.

Sometimes, when I'm sitting at my desk in Dave and Buster's Boxers and my snuggie, gnawing on an entire thing of semi-stale french bread, watching tv on the internets, even I find it hard to believe that anyone could be this cool.

Friday, March 26, 2010

A little poo, negative nancies and a... gIFtY!

This is just a little poo for publicity.... please read and anticipate the consequences thereof.

So as you may know by now, I'm trying to get more followers on this blog. The point is to get people to smile and laugh at what's written here. This is a no negative nancies zone.

We will not talk about health care reform here, or genocide, or dead puppies, or why life is unfair, whine whine whine.


However, this IS a free-to-complain zone. Just not in a whiny way.


While we're here, we might as well get some free stuff out of it. And I am more than happy to find and provide that free stuff for you, my dearies, to enjoy while you're shluffing around my blog.


The very first "As Happy as a Turtle on a Conveyor Belt" Giveaway will be given when we have reached 30 followers. I've already got something lined up! That's right, there is a GUARANTEE that there will be a giveaway when we have reached 30 followers on this blog.

I propose another proposal:

Since I'm trying to get my name out there, in association with this blog, I am offering a reward to those who help me get followers.

Between today, (3-26-10) and Two weeks from now, (4-9-10) I'm asking that you help me find those poor unfortunate souls who are without my knowledge, wisdom, and comic relief in their upsettingly dull lives. He or She that successfully refers the most followers between then and now will receive a special gifty.

ooOooOOOooohhHh, a gIFtY!!

Get excited about it.

Here are the rules:

1. You must already be a follower of this blog yourself.
2. The person you referred must comment on a blog post (ANY recent blog post) confirming that you referred them.
3. The referred person must also become a follower.
4. He or She that has referred the most followers within the two week period will receive the gIFtY!
5. The gIFtY will be revealed at the termination of the contest period. Thats fancy talk for in two weeks, suckas.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Just comment it under here or email me at

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Spring is in the air, kids.

Dear Couple sitting in the library for all to see:

We know you love each other. We can all see that shiny lil engagement ring on your hand, woman. Congratulations. But I have a favor to ask you:

Please, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, save your mackin and extremely physical flirting for a less public place.

I Propose a Prospect:

Let us all bind together to create a group.
A group for the protection and safety of the innocent eyes of Provo.
You may think that such a group is unneeded, but you would be wrong.

I feel like the title I have created for this society is fairly self-explanatory:

We shall call ourselves, "The People for the Privatizing of Public Displays of Affection for Everyone Else's Good."

Also known as PPPDAEEG for short.
(pronounced pee-pee-pee-day-eeg. obviously.)

Catchy, right?? It should be put on a t-shirt.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Top 5 Reasons Why Vampire Weekend is Cooler Than You.

In order to keep everyone humble, I just thought I would make a little reminder of why Vampire Weekend is cooler than you. Obviously.

1) Vampire Weekend has the ability to get celebrities like Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Lil Jon to appear in their music videos.
Your Music videos are taken with a webcam and are of you singing Chris Brown into your hairbrush.

2) Vampire Weekend has Ezra Koenig.
Therefore, Vampire Weekend likely has more of my love than you do.

3) Vampire Weekend has been on SNL twice.
That is two more times than you.

4) Vampire Weekend's Album Contra debuted at #1 on Billboard 200.
Do you even have an album? Didn't think so.

5) Vampire Weekend loves Old People.
Do YOU love Old People like Vampire Weekend does? Doubtful.

Please feel free to suggest more reasons why Vampire Weekend is cooler than you, and I will add them, given they are awesome enough.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Opinion.

So I don't really ever listen to the radio or anything, since I would only ever do so in the car, and I am without car here in Utahland. However, every now and then I stumble upon mtv's website, and I end up watching about an hour or two's worth of music videos. Recently, I saw the music video for "Baby" by Justin Bieber. (sounds like 'Beaver') Apparently there is quite a big hype around this kid as of late, and he is quite the Big Deal among the tweenage crowd. So, after proper research and calculation, I have determined:

Justin Bieber is entirely too adorable.

Seriously. He is super cute. But he makes me think of my little brother... meaning he's cute in a twelve year old way. Please refer to the following charts and graphs for further proof.
As you can see, my opinion over Justin Bieber has grown favorable over time. However, Greg's studliness factor is much higher than Justin Bieber's. Take the following picture for example:

Nuff Said. Ponder on the wisdom given here.

In the meantime, Please enjoy this "Anatomy of a Lady Gaga Music Video" pie chart I have provided.

Turns out Justin Bieber is actually 16. Eh. Regardless, I still think he looks to be about 12.

Also, Lady Gaga is still whack.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Actually, You CAN Buy Happiness.

It comes in a big red box, on sale for 4.88, with the words "Lucky Charms" printed on the side.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It sucks to be you.

I don't know if anyone's seen Avenue Q, but its more or less Sesame Street on crack.
Its a little bit hilarious. Some of the songs include, but are not limited to:

It Sucks to Be You

If You Were Gay

The Internet (Is for Porn)

There's also this really lovely song sung by "Kate Monster" called"There's a Fine Fine Line" which is actually quite sad, with lines like "There's a fine fine line, between together and not, and there's a fine fine line, between what you wanted, and what you got." Its a really great piece of work in all.

Basically, go youtube some of the songs, like, right now. ASAP. That is all.

over and out.

Monday, March 15, 2010

So I'm a little bit livid...

And yes, this is a screenshot i took from the music video for "Giving Up the Gun."
Just... look at it. ahhhh.

Because my most recent obsession, Vampire Weekend, is going to be in Salt Lake City in TWO FREAKING DAYS.


If only I had known about them but a few weeks ago, I would seriously have found someway to get there and bought tickets. I looked up how much they've been going for, and I could totally afford them and everything! BLAST. And I won't be in Georgia for when they go to Atlanta, plus the tickets for THAT show are already sold out anyways. BIG POOPING POOPY MCPOOPERER. POOOOPPPP.

I suppose I will have to find some other way to magically run into Ezra Koenig so that we can fall in love and get married.

Because that is STILL GOING TO HAPPEN, dang it. DANG IT. IT WILL.

.......................I am not crazy.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Vampire Weekend.

I watched them on SNL last week, and I sort of fell a little bit in love with the lead singer, Ezra Koenig.

I'm just sayin, We're a kind of meant to be and we'll most likely get married one day after her converts to the church.


I mean, just look at that face.

In other news, Justin Bieber is currently being evaluated by yours truly. stay tuned for details.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Being Happy, Dagnabbit.

I've not had the best past few days. Nothing hugely terrible, but nothing good really happened, and a few pretty poopy things have happened, involving frustration with frustrating people, and the fact that somehow, my poor dear ipod Eduardo has a huge crack in the screen. SADDEST THING EVER. Not even a joke. I'm sort of livid.

So I'm working on finding little things that put me in a better mood. The one failsafe that I know will always help me feel better is going to the gym, and running it out on the treadmill or elliptical or stationary bike, burning off a couple hundred calories, beasting off with a bunch of crunches, then loitering and taking my sweet time getting back to the apartment where I face frustration once more.

Also, right now, I'm watching a bunch of youtube music videos.

Here's something:
I didn't used to like Michael Buble, like, at all. I thought he was just overplayed, and I have extreme loyalties to Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack, and I thought this Buble fellow was a wannabe who was going to try and 'be the next Sinatra' or something completely ridiculous like that. Plus, thats kind of impossible. No one will ever be Frank Sinatra ever again. It just won't happen. Nope. No chance at all. Not even in the least. So yep.

Anywho, I've stumbled upon a few of Michael Buble's music videos. I watched them hesitantly, but as I've seen a couple, I've actually liked them quite a bit. It grows on you, I guess. And its definitely not the same as Sinatra, which I like. No comparison to be made for the most part.

So he has this one song, "I just haven't met you yet."
I actually really, really like this one specifically. I like the little story it tells, about how one day everything really will work out to be alright, but right now you just have to have faith and know that one day you'll find someone somehow. Its cute, and I'm not extremely effeminate, but I like it nonetheless. Not to mention the music video is super cute. Like, thuper cute super cute. Honestly, almost too cute. Its about right on the border there, between bearable and intoxicatingly annoying.

I also realized just the other day, in an epiphany of sorts, that I actually really like school. Like, A lot. I love school and going to classes and getting good grades in front of my face to gloat about later, and I like when I do a good job at work and get a gold coin for it, and when my boss comes out to tell me that I'm doing a really great job at my job.

Basically, and I know I don't say this enough, to anyone or myself, but I have a pretty great life for the most part, and I really do love school. I'm pretty lucky, I guess.

Eh. I'm working on it.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I hope that one day I am as legit as this chihuahua.

Did I tell you kids that I have a major again?

Because I do.

Its Spanish.

People ask me what I'm going to do with that, and I tell them "Be a flight attendant."

They don't believe me.

I've been practicing my hard core "I'm dead serious" stony eyes and trim smile for them when they say that.

I think I'm getting good at it.

Also, I signed a contract for summer/fall/winter. For Glenwood.

Don't gimme that "Glenhood" crap. I've heard good things, and even been inside. Not nearly as ghetto as people make it out to be.

And I hear marvelous things about the social atmosphere.

And my brother's mission companion buddy guy lives there now, so I've already got some kind of connection. Which is nice.

And I baked a cake. And I'm going to decorate said cake now.


Why not.

Over and out.

Monday, March 8, 2010


I can't sleep... and its really frustrating.
So while I'm laying here in bed, listening to my "Go to sleep, Erin" playlist, David Archuleta's song "My Hands" comes on.
And I start thinking.
Then I start waxing philosophical. So brace yourselves.

The human hand is amazing. Just hold your hand in front of you, right now, and flex, move your fingers around, grab something, watch yourself type for a moment. Look at an X-ray of hands. Just look at the bones, cartilage, how everything fits together perfectly, how they move together so well. Think of everything we can do with our hands. They let us accomplish so much. Building, creating, writing, drawing, molding, feeling, so many things accomplished through our hands. There's an entire language that uses our hands to communicate, and a culture built around it.

Think of the symbolism and importance we recognize with our hands. Just think. We hold hands with someone, and it shows affection and a desire to be close to them, with our intertwined fingers. When we get married, we wear that symbol on our left hand ring finger, showing the world the commitment we've made, in a place where it is bound to be noticed, on the ever important hand. As a small child, you raise your hand in class, and continue to do so throughout school, to show knowledge and ideas. We care for animals by petting and patting them. There are entire salons dedicated to the care and keeping of our hands. We can create music because of our hands, playing piano keys, plucking harp chords, maneuvering wind instruments, pulling a bow across a violin.

I look at all of these things, and I can't possibly imagine that there couldn't be a greater power out there that helped orchestrate this life. Someone who was so wise and thoughtful, who spent so much time perfecting the body to do so much. Things like this don't just happen on accident. Beauty doesn't just spontaneously appear overnight in an explosion. There's just no other explanation. It is so obvious that we were created with a specific purpose in mind, to live and interact with each other in this life. And our hands are a key part of that body and life and interaction. Just look at them.

Bad attitude.

I've had a really bad attitude lately.

Maybe its because of the choice made on the bachelor last week.
maybe its because i've had all my midterms in the past two weeks, and then some extra tests and projects on the side to go with it.
Maybe its because I'm getting antsy with my roommates lately.
Maybe its because I don't enjoy my calling a single bit.
Maybe its because my internet wouldn't work until 8 o clock tonight.
Maybe its because my computer hates me.

Regardless... I'm making a conscious effort to have a good attitude this week.
Starting with a few goals:
No white bread.
No red meat.
At least 3 servings of dairy a day.
Go to the gym at least 4 days this week.
Do my homework on time.
Make a conscious effort to be nice to people.
Practice piano every day.
Read mah scriptures.

So there they are. We'll just have to see if I can actually accomplish all these things for once... I'm not famous for my motivation of goal accomplishing skills.

Ooooohhh, and by the wayy, here is a little poo for The Boob Nazi's 1000th Post giveaway extravaganza. Here's hoping I win a necklace with a big ol awesome fish on it! No seriously. Never won a giveaway before, and I kind of enter them all the time, as we should all know by now. It would kind of make my life to win this. For realz.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I will freely admit it now.

As frustrated as I get, and as stupid as it is so much of the time, and as douchey as they may be, I can no longer deny it.

I very much enjoy Mormon Bachelor Pad.

I have spoken detrimentally towards them in the past, and I am in fact on their quotes sidebar, where most of the comments made are pretty pissy.

So basically, although I think they can BOTH be major douches (no favoritism here, boys), regardless, I like reading their blog, and following them on twitter, and watching them do the douchey/faggoty things they do.

I feel there's a word in Spanish that my dear elder brother taught me, that, though it is not an actual word, describes the goings-on at MBP:


If you speak Spanish, you will know what I mean, and if you speak Spanish and read MBP, you will definitely agree.

Holla Atcha, Boys.