Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'm sorry, did I stumble into a Lifetime Movie by mistake?

<-- This is what I imagined she looked like.

You guys.

This is a totally and completely true story. It legitimately happened, like, fifteen minutes ago.

I was taking a delightful nap, when all of a sudden my cell phone rang, awaking me from my peaceful slumber. Somewhat peeved, I turned over and answered it sleepily. A mysterious southern lady's voice reached my ears as I did so. The following conversation ensued.

Erin: Hello?

Stranger: Yes, um, hello, Uh, I just want to know, how do you know James Earl Jr.?

Erin: Uhh, I don't. I have no idea who that is.

Stranger: Okay, well, buh-bye then.

Erin: Right. Bye.

About two minutes later, as I was falling asleep once more, the phone rang again. I yelled at it when I saw the same number, but answered anyways.

Stranger: Hello, yes, Well, I was just wanted to know, are you in Construction? James Earl Jr. works in construction.

Erin: Uh, no, I'm not.

Stranger: Okay, well, may I ask, where are you located?

Erin: Uhh, I live in Utah, lady.

Stranger: Oh. Well, we are located in [blah blah blah some town name] South Carolina, and I found your number in my son-in-law's phone, and I just wasn't sure.

Erin: Right. Well, I still have no idea who he is, so, sorry.

And we hung up again. Not more than 5 minutes later, the phone rang once more. Now thoroughly peeved, I answered very gruffly.

Erin: Yesssss?

Stranger: Listen, sweety, I don't mean to keep bothering you, but I would just appreciate you being completely honest with me.

Erin: Um, I am.

Stranger: Ok, well, here's whats going on. My daughter found your phone number on my son-in-law's phone, and he's out of town right now, you see he works in construction. Well, and we've found some things around his trailer that suggest that something unsavory is going on.

Erin: Unsavory? .....Uh, yikes?

Stranger: So I really would just like you to be totally honest with me.

Erin: Right. Well, listen, I AM being totally honest with you. I really don't know who the heck this guy is.

Stranger: Right... Uh, Are you a student?

Erin: Yeah, I am...

Stranger: And where do you go to school?

Erin: Lady, I told you, I live in Utah.

Stranger: Alright. And you said you don't know how your number got into his phone?

Erin: I seriously haven't the slightest idea. All I can think of is that maybe he put in someone else's number, but got a number wrong or something, and ended up with my number instead. That is the only solution I can offer you.

Stranger: Okay, okay, and you don't know James Earl Jr.?

Erin: *sigh* No. No I do not. I swear to you, I have absolutely nothing to do with whatever is going on.

Stranger: Well, you do sound very young.

Erin: Yeah, well, I'm in my twenties.

Stranger: Yes, well, I am nearly fifty years old myself. He's married to my daughter Dana, and they have three lovely children together. I'm just trying to get all the facts straight. But I need you to be totally honest with me.

Erin: LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I am being TOTALLY honest. I don't know who he is, or how he got my number, and I'm sorry this..... thing is going on in your family. But I can't really help you.

Stranger: Okay, okay. Yeah.

Erin: I do hope you get it figured out though.... so, uh, good luck with that!

Stranger: Mmhmm, thank you.

So, I more or less got accused of having an affair with this lady's son-in-law.

Wow... my first accusal of being the "other woman" in an infidelity situation.

.....I really am growing up.

PS: TO whoever you were, angry southern lady, I do sincerely hope you figure out what your D-Bag son in law has been up to. Best of luck. I mean that.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Wise Words on Love: from Steve Martin

Steve Martin did an SNL skit years ago, declaring a poetic-ish ode to the woman in his life.
Oh what a wise man indeed. He interprets what love is about in such an eloquent way, I couldn't help but share it. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin.

"Ode to My Woman

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins, and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I've put some of my feelings into this little ode.

Every man needs a woman, and I need you --
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I am horny,
to massage me when I am tense and/or horny,
to make me horny when I am not horny, and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you darling to clean between my toes when they are not cleaned to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there, and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you -- because I don't want to lose half my stuff. And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this [pointing to ring finger where there is no wedding ring] to remind me --[realizes the ring is not there] sorry [and hides hand].

Goodnight, my love.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Exercise with Erin

Working out is a good way to stay healthy and active.
So without further ado, I present to you
It is very important to stretch and limber up before beginning your workout.

To warm up, simply jump up and down for an extended period of time.
This type of jumping can be done in almost any setting.

Spinning in circles with a friend is also good cardio.

Push Ups are a great way to improve upper arm strength. I advise you attempt them while climbing out of a laundry machine for an added challenge.

Rolling down hills is a fun and easy way to build up your stamina. I try to make sure I accomplish a few good hill rolls every week on a regular basis.

Hill rolling can be incorporated into a partner-based workout.

Speaking of,
Sparring with a partner is a great way to get in some cardio.

Tae-Bo (with Billy Blanks, of course) is a good example as well.

Boxing is also great exercise.

Hitting things with sticks is a fun and entertaining way to burn some calories.

Find ways to incorporate unconventional exercise into your daily routines, like the grocery store.

Cool down is just as important and essential. Don't forget to rest up after your hard workout.
Maybe even splurge and get yourself one of those spa seaweed body wraps. If you don't want to spend the money on it though, you can always make a homemade version with just a blanket, a teenager, and a toddler.

I advise 700 repetitions, 3 times a day, for roughly 3-17 years,so that you too can some day look..... this good.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

11 Easily Attainable Resolutions for 2011

Blah dee blah blah blah, Auuuuld Laaaang Syne... Or something like that.

Well, its another new year.

Or really, 5 days into a new year.

Anyways, Its that charming time of year again where everyone is resolving to do such and such, and not do such and such throughout the new year.

Some of these resolutions I've heard thus far are the typical resolutions, such as

'I will become a vegetarian this year.'

'I will not be so boy-crazy this year.'

'I will go to the gym all year!'

'I will not eat fast food/sugar/meat/chocolate this year.'

'I will be a happier and better person in general this year.'

'I will be more kind and patient to those around me.'

You know what I have to say to these so-called "resolutions?"

Womp. Womp.

Way to be stinking boring, kids.
Let's be honest. Its not like you're going to actually keep any of these throughout all of 2011. Now now, don't get on my case, You little farts know its true.

(And believe me, I use the term 'little farts' in the most affectionate way possible. Truly. :))

Therefore, without further ado, I would like to present you with my own New Years Resolutions of 2011.

This Year on As Happy as a Turtle on a Conveyor Belt:

1. I resolve to practice the same amount of road rage that I did last year.

2. I resolve to make the couples that make out in my living room as uncomfortable and awkward as possible.

3. I resolve to never wear one of those headbands with the massive poofy flowers or bows on them.

4. I resolve to answer the door in my snuggie and/or footie pajamas as often as possible.

5. I resolve to continue judging people that say stupid things in my presence.

6. I resolve to play more tetris.

7. I resolve to dance around in my underpants more often. Regardless of the fact that my roommates are home.

8. I resolve to roll my eyes at each and every given appropriate opportunity.

9. I resolve to continue pulling the little pieces of hair off of the people who sit in front of me in church/class.

10. I resolve to eat a lot of dry cereal straight from the box with my hands.

And finally, in honor of 2011: my eleventh and final resolution of this year,

11. I resolve to always throw my trash into a Trash Receptacle. That is, unless there is a person conveniently located who can be qualified as no better than a Trash Receptacle, in which case the trash will, naturally, be thrown at that person.

So, dear people of the internet, I encourage you to join me in these easily obtainable New Years Resolutions.

And let me just say, that I can,
without a doubt in my mind,
assure you that I am 100% committed to these resolutions, and do indeed intend to keep each and every one of them.

For some reason, I don't think it will be too difficult.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Can I just say something?

I love washing other people's dishes.

Loooooooooove it.

No, seriously. Its number 3 on my "Top Ten Things I Love" List.

Right behind Genocide and Dead Puppies.

In other news, I'm applying for two more jobs in a custodial type position.

Irony? Maybe just a bit. Haha.

The difference is the motivation. I don't mind doing just about any kind of manual labor, including cleaning, washing, whatever, as long as I'm being compensated for it.

Otherwise, I sort of resent it. Extremely.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

That time I got carded...... Again.

Did you know that you have to be 18 to buy sparklers in the state of Georgia?
Me neither. But, it shouldn't be a problem, right? Seeing as I am well over 18.
Or so you might think.

You might remember back in the summer, when I got asked my age at a PG-13 Movie. That was fun times. Not. If you're not familiar, I encourage you to go back and read it once again.

Now if you don't know me extremely well, you ought to know that I have always had this complex about my age and height, most likely due to the fact that I didn't break five feet until I was a sophomore in High School.

Basically, I was reaaaaallly small for a reaaally long time. Back in sixth grade, one of my classmates asked me if I was born a premie, because I was so tiny. When I joined summer league swim team at age 8, I practiced with the 4 and 5 year olds because I was their same size.

Pitiful, I know. But it happens.

As for my age, well, if you've seen me at all really, I don't look like I'm in my 20s. This year alone, I've gotten 15, 16, 17 as general age guesses at me. It doesn't usually get much higher than that.

But I guess in my own mind, I like to tell myself that I look at LEAST 18, just for principal's sake. Unfortunately, It does not appear to be quite so.

And with that, I shall impart to you a story of my adventure to Publix, whereupon I attempted to purchase some harmless two dollar sparklers, and to my chagrin, met with quite some difficulty. ...... in the form of an accompanied photo expression essay, in the familiar style of The Roommate Makeout Fiasco of 2010.

I entered Publix in a relatively good mood. I saw the cheap, $2 sparklers I needed, and happily took them to the nearest cash register.
Oh Hai, I would just like to get these here sparklers is all ma'am!
Uhhhh, I need to see your I.D. in order to buy these.
She stared at it for a liiiiittle too long.
Once I realized what was happening, I became a weeeee bit... enraged.
Um, I don't think this I.D. will work.
Oh no you di'int! Hows about you just check that thing again one more time now?
"Uh, I'm 20 years old. So maybe you should actually check to see if it will work before you go judge it like that."
And with that, she typed the numbers of my license into her little machine.

"Oh, right. I guess it does work. Well, here you go then."
"Yeah, THAT'S what I thought."
Then she got all stupid and tried to go all perky again, saying, "Ooohh, I love sparklers, don't you?"

And I hit her with a "Right. Whatever." And handed over my two dollars with a squinty "I'm watching you" glance into her eyeballs.

And, not feeling like dealing with her, I waved a little "buh-bye," and high tailed it out of there.
In conclusion, "Peace out, Publix. You and your haughty cashiers ain't worth my time. I'm buying my cheese at Kroger's from here on."