Saturday, October 2, 2010

Get that crummin outta my face.

I came to a conclusion this afternoon.

There is absolutely nothing sexy about feet.

Just think about it.

We-literally-walk all over them. Sometimes other people do too.

They touch everything on the ground and, by association, everyone else's feet, and I don't even wanna know where THOSE have been.

You may say, "Oh, but Erin, we wear shoes, Duh!"

You silly naive fool.

Just think about THAT.

You stuff your feet into (hopefully) socks, then shoes, and wear them around all the livelong day, where they get smooshed and sweaty. Not to mention that charming lint-like cottony substance between your toes that my elder brother used to affectionately call "Crummin" as a smallish child.

And lets be honest. Sandals and flip flops hardly even count as shoes. They do virtually no good at all.

And please, don't even get me started on toenails.

So could someone please explain something to me.

Whose bright idea was Footsies, praytell?

Cue this conversation on a date.

"I have a great idea. Let's take both our sicknast sweaty hairy dirty etc feet, and rub them around each other, maybe even interlocking toes as our lovely toenails scratch up on each other's callouses.

Oh yeah. That sounds like GREAT foreplay."

I understand that there are people out there who have a weird, inexplicable affection for feet. Take my dear friend Andrew Paul, or AP, for example. He loves 'em. He even says its one of the first things he notices about a girl. And I mean, hey, I can respect that I guess.

Maybe its just my own neuroses and bizarre issues.

I HATE feet. I especially dislike my own feet. I don't like people even looking at them. I'm oddly self-conscious about them.

AP once told me I have great feet, actually. He even gave me a foot massage one day.

...Honestly, my heart rate went up and I practically hyperventilated out of sheer panic as it was going on. It was... well, terrifying to me for some reason.

Really, the only people that I have willingly allowed to touch my feet for an extended period of time would be the lovely Vietnamese ladies at the salon on the occasional pedicure splurge.

And even when I make that exception, I sit there, certain that they're talking to each other in their foreign tongue about how repulsive my toes are.

One thing's for sure--

I'm pretty positive they don't find them sexy.

PS: My dear friend AP (Andrew Paul) is an actor, you should check out the youtube channel he participates in, as it is quite hilarious sometimes. Also, he plays bass in a band, so you should probably check that out as well. Word, turd.

1 comment:

Cody Teerlink said...

Erin, you are hilarious. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Although I am still in agreement with AP.